If I Go
by Meredith McGarrett
Summary: 11x23 Time Stops / 11x24 You're My Home Amelia confronts Meredith about Derek's death... It'll answer the questions about why Meredith hasn't called her when she could have and how they go on from this. Meredith Grey / Amelia Shepherd "You are family."


**If I Go**

* * *

 **Time stops when you're in the O.R. You step up to the table, you evaluate the patient, you pick up a scalpel, and then you go into a bubble. It's just you and your surgery and nothing else matters; not time, not pain, not exhaustion, nothing.**

 **It happens in real life too.**

 **When something big happens, something tragic, you freeze, you retreat into your happy bubble for what seems like a second, until you look up.** Meredith Grey; Time Stops

* * *

Meredith woke up early when she heard Ellis crying. She was tired. But this time it was just her doing this. She was a single mother with three children and a dead husband (whom she missed with every day that passed, she was sure she'd never get rid of that feeling). Also, this was her first real day back after Derek's death and her fleeing the state. With only half open eyes, she got up and walked over to the room where her youngest daughter was supposed to be asleep. "Hey, Ellie, it looks like you're already up." She cooed as she lifted her up. For a slight moment, Ellis stopped crying. She reminded her of Derek. She had his blue eyes. _She is beautiful. And for a moment I was seeing him and her._ That's what she told Alex after he was contacted (he was listed as her emergency contact) from a nurse when she had the emergency C-section. After dealing with Ellis and the being hungry situation, she went to wake up Bailey and Zola. As they were having breakfast, Amelia entered the kitchen, acknowledging Meredith only with a slight nod in her way. Meredith wondered what was going on. They never really talked about anything besides the kids or normal, work-related things. But they never talked about Derek or what happened … That's a topic they both avoided, no one ever brings that up.

Meredith stared at the OR board for a second, then she wrote her name on it. The sharpie scratched on the board. Today was also the way where the new interns start. "Hey." Amelia walked over to her, she just finished a surgery. "I just finished my corpectomy. Did I miss it?" She wanted to know. "No you're good." Meredith replied. Then Amelia wiped away her name and the surgery she'd just completed. Meredith's phone started beeping. She got a text message. "Wow, that was fast." She stated after she looked on her phone. "What was fast?" Amelia asked.

"I put out feelers with a real estate agent about the house and it looks like I got an offer." She answered.

"You're selling the house?" That caught Amelia's attention. It was the house Derek built. "No … maybe. I don't know …" Meredith answered, she still wasn't so sure about that. Then Maggie approached them: "Why do people constantly feel the need to kill their arteries?" She complained, followed by Callie Torres: "Oh, are they here yet?" She asked as she walked toward the surgical board. "Did I miss it? Oh no, I missed it." She then continued. "I can't wait to see the beads of sweat on their freaked little faces." Callie made fun. "Did I miss it?" Alex joined the conversation. "Nope." Callie answered his question.

"Crap, actual crap." He reacted.

"I've seen it, smelled and it's not as much fun as you think." She barely completed her sentence, then Arizona ran past them, grinning and telling them it happened: "The baby ducks and chicks are here." After she announced that, Alex and the others followed her to the gallery. Only Meredith stayed back, frozen. After a while she followed them to the gallery, watching Webber give his speech. Richard gives the new interns his speech. One of the interns interrupted to ask why it'll be the best and worst years of their lives: "Why will these years be the best and worst years of our lives?" Dr. Webber didn't answer that question. They'll know soon enough. The doctors watch from the gallery and mouth along with his speech.

They talk about how young and stupid the interns look. "They look stupid." Alex said after Webber finished his famous speech.

"They look like babies. Were we ever so young?" Meredith asked, remembering her start as an intern all too good.

That's where she met Derek. "So well rested." Ben added.

"And stupid." Alex bluntly noted. The attendings and residents laughed when they heard that. Meredith added: "And eager like puppies." "No not like puppies." Arizona replied, still chuckling. "Like ... "... chicks and ducks." Maggie and Arizona said at the same time.

"Is that what you call 'em now?" Meredith asked. "You were gone for a year." Meredith got as a reply.

"Without these devices they'd drown." "And take the patients down with them. God help us all." That was Callie commenting.

* * *

There's a breaking news report. Some catastrophe has happened. In the next moments a few ambulances with wailing sirens pulled up on the ER entrance. Callie and Alex got gowned up and ready. They don't know what has happened, but they know it's huge. After the first ambulance pulled up, the doctors waiting for the patients but soon they saw that the patients were lost causes.

The woman inside is pronounced dead on arrival after 28 minutes of chest compressions. The patient in the other ambulance is also DOA. The paramedic says the other four ambulances behind them also have DOAs. Alex wonders what the hell happened out there since all the patients are dead.

"What the hell happened out there? They are all dead." Alex asked out aloud, asking the question everyone was wondering about. Then Owen appeared, apparently he had new information about what happened and Alex was right in assuming this.

Owen in fact had news about what happened, although it was nothing concrete.

"Okay, I've got word from emergency dispatch. Everybody listen up, this is important." Owen told the doctors as they were all listening to him. They've got word about some emergency situation. Meredith glanced over to Alex. He nodded almost imperceptible.

Disaster situations and Meredith - never a good combination and this this time there was no Derek who could save her. Meredith was thrown back to reality when she heard Owen talking. "We've just received word of a mass casualty incident nearby. All available level I trauma centers have been asked to respond." Owen raised his voice. Every doctor was looking at him, waiting for him to continue. Meredith just thought, what about this is a slow day? "I need to send a team to the field immediately. This is not an exercise or a drill, this is an emergent situation and I need all hands on deck."

"Seriously, what happened?" Alex demanded to know. "We don't know yet." Owen answered his question.

"I don't have details, just orders." He then announced. "We need to send a team of doctors to the scene to help with the overflow of patients. The other doctors are going to be working in the pit, waiting for the incoming. This is gonna be long day, people." Meredith was sure she'll be working in the pit. She was just back, she did one surgery and that's all.

So they probably won't send her to the scene, will they?

"The surgical team consists of Dr. Amelia Shepherd, Dr. Maggie Pierce, Dr. April Kepner and Dr. Meredith Grey." He finally announced the names of the doctors who are going to the scene. Meredith looked up surprised. Did he really say her name? It appears he did. Alex looked over to her, sensing her surprise and shock and walked over to her.

"Mer, are you sure this is a good idea, you going to that site? I mean, you don't know what happened … it can bring back …" He was cut off by Meredith: "Memories? Yeah, I know. But I have those memories even without freaking mass casualty incidents." She freaked at him.

"Okay, okay. Mer, I just care about you. You're my friend, person or whatever. You're the only one left from our intern year." The doctors started packing bags with things they would need, also triage tags to triage the patients.

When they were about to finish, April said, taking over commands since she was the only trauma surgeon coming with them: "Come on, hurry up. We're catching a ride with Seattle 34. Space is tight so hold your kits in your lap." She ordered. "Where are we going?" Meredith asked, she needed to know where they were going. "We'll know when we get there." She got a short answer from April Kepner, who was in full-on trauma surgeon 'I need to triage' - mode. Then Jo Wilson and Stephanie Edwards approached them. "Can we come?"

"No, you're needed here." April replied while she was walking fast, followed by the rest of the team. "But we can help." "Yeah I know but I know that we need the doctors when the patients come in." Jo sighed, she'd hoped she'd be able to join them. "There will be living patients that need your help. Prep for them." With that they've entered the ambulance that will bring them to the scene.

The ambulance slowed down, indicating that they've reached the crash site. As soon as the ambulance stopped, April opened the rear door and exited, reaching for the equipment. Amelia, Maggie and Meredith left the ambulance as well. For a moment, they just stood there, looking at what was happened, seeing all the firefighters and paramedics talking into radio receiving sets. This was like the ferryboat accident, just minus the ferry and the ocean. Now it was some highway. It seemed like some tunnel had collapsed or something. Sirens were wailing, there was a place where the injured people got triaged after urgency. More ambulances were there, some were transporting equipment to the scene, others drove off, transporting patients to the hospital that has been declared as the trauma center. Meredith looked around, frozen.

The last time this happened and she was sent to help, it in fact, hasn't went very well, resulted in her almost dying and Derek saving her. The memory was back. He'd saved her life. Why did he have to die, he saved all those people from the car crash, why …

Meredith couldn't move for a second. What was she doing here? Maybe she wasn't ready to deal with that kind of disaster. But now it was too late to have second thoughts. They just arrived at the scene. They have been sent here to help the victims.

Then a firefighter approached them. "You're the surgeons from Grey Sloan?" He wanted to know.

April Kepner was the first one to respond to the question: "Yeah, we are." She sounded professional, detached. "This way." The firefighter ordered them. He motioned them to follow him. Meredith, Amelia, Maggie and April followed him. While they were walking, Meredith asked for the patient's name: "What's his name?" The other doctors from Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital were listening, wanting to get as much information about the situation as possible.

"Keith Warner." He answered while walking faster, there were people passing pushing gurneys, someone, a paramedic, called 'Coming through'.

A woman was crying frantically, maybe she was in pain or someone she loved was missing. Meredith did her best not to think of Derek. Emotions had to come later. "What happened?" April interjected, all they've been told was that a catastrophic event has occurred and the surgeons at Grey Sloan were forced to send teams out to help. They needed to be fast if they wanted a shot at saving them.

"Car has been crushed by debris." The firefighter stated as they arrived.

Meredith swallowed hardly as soon as she got view of the mangled car. How come someone could survive this? But apparently, this patient has. "We got his wife out but …" The man explained and pointed toward the car. Meredith's heart was beating heavily as she heard his words. She didn't respond.

"Oh my god." Maggie said. "He is in there, he's alive?" She wanted to know. "Barely." She got as an answer. Meredith only heard that one word: _Barely_. Why was everything reminding her of Derek today? She took a deep breath, glancing over to Amelia. She had the same face expression as she had. This reminded her, too. Of course it was, the wounds are still fresh even if it was one year ago. Meredith didn't know what to feel. This was her first day back, it was supposed to be quiet and slow. Not some disaster that demands all attention. That reminds her of Derek.

Maggie felt her sister stiffen but right now wasn't the time for an emotional breakdown. They had to attend to the patient who was still trapped in the car. She was forced to put her emotions aside if she wanted to spare that woman what she went through after Derek's death. It was so hard. So she took actions into her hand, the others were following her. Maggie was right behind her sister as they tried to estimate the damage they were dealing with. "Were you able to get him on a monitor?" April asked, seeing the windshield was shattered.

"We tried to but there was no chance. Also, he has no i.v. access so it's going to be hard to administer fluids or other medication that might be needed." "So what you're saying is that the patient's trapped inside with no chance to prevent him from going into shock or preventing it from worsening?" The man nodded shortly. "As soon as you've got him stabilized we're going to cut him out." The surgeons nodded in understanding.

After a few minutes of them trying to figure out a way to extract him without killing him, the surgeons were stuck. They just can't seem to figure out a way to cut him out that doesn't ends with him dying. "We can't tell where Keith ends and the door begins. If we use this, it'll rip him into shreds and he'll bleed to death within seconds." April explained something they all knew.

"What about trying an exploratory laparotomy?" Meredith interjected, racking her brain for something that was doable.

"We can try to separate …"

But Meredith was cut off by Amelia: "We're not sterile, there are no blood banks, this is not a controlled environment."

"I know." Meredith replied.

"We could put a balloon catheter in his aorta. It can buy us some time." Maggie threw in another suggestion of what they could try. "If we're closer to the hospital I'd say maybe but we're twenty-five minutes out. He will never make it." Meredith said.

April was the one who decided that he was a lost cause. "He has a black tag, guys." April stopped the discussion with this simple sentence. "We can't do anything else for him." She continued with a solemn but composed face expression. For a moment, the other Grey Sloan Surgeons just looked at her in confusion. Then one of the firefighters interrupted the silence: "I got a call. We're cutting him out now." He informed them.

"You should go." April told them.

"No we can stay." Meredith replied. "I'll stay." April said in a voice that let's no room for discussion. "You go and save people that can be saved. I'll do what I can for him." Then she left and went over to the car. "Okay, Keith. We're gonna cut you out of there now." "Sure thing." He replied. Meredith, Maggie and Amelia watched the scene. "I think we should stay. Even if we can't help Keith, there are others that need our help." Meredith suggested.

"So what do you want to do?"

"Help, I need …" Someone called faintly, Meredith heard it as she walked past. She was on her way to the ambulance that was bringing them back to the hospital. But then she stopped. There was a voice. Maybe she could help so she kneeled down to see what she can do. But she knew it was going to be difficult since the patient is trapped between chunks of debris and the walls were extremely unstable. If something happened to her and she dies, her children will have no one. They've already lost one parent.

"I'm here." Meredith kneeled down, trying to see the patient and have a look at the injuries.

"And I will help you." Meredith answered. "Please don't leave, please don't leave." The patient pleaded.

"Okay, how are you feeling?" Meredith tried to get a better look. "Not so good I think, breathing's pretty hard and my stomach hurts like hell." Meredith breathed in deeply. There was no way she was leaving this patient alone. She needed to try and free him herself, or at least stabilize him before the rescue teams were coming to get him out. But waiting was out of question.

Maybe then it would be too late.

"Meredith what the hell are you doing?" April's voice sounded near hysteric as she watched Meredith crawling into that hole that threatened to collapse. "Here's another patient in there." Meredith called back. "But damnit, Mer, the walls aren't stable. They could collapse any minute." Maggie reasoned, she was scared about her sister. They've already lost Derek. "I'll go get help." Amelia hasn't said anything in a long time but now she springs into action. She can't watch this, this is getting close to losing another one of them, the only living parent Zola, Bailey and Ellis still have and she couldn't let that happen. So she ran over to the nearest group of firefighters, alarming them about what happened.

"Can you come with me?" She asked, a little out of breath.

One of them was speaking into a phone. "What's going on, Ma'am?" The older one asked. "It's doctor, but I need your help. A colleague of mine just crawled into that hole and the walls are pretty unstable … I'm afraid it might collapse." Amelia told them. Without questioning her further the firefighters followed her to where Meredith was. "Meredith?" Maggie called out in fear.

"Yeah, I am okay, Maggie. I'm being really careful. I'm trying to avoid a situation like last time something like this happened." She said cryptically but no one understood what she was talking about. Derek would have known, Alex too. But they weren't here.

After Meredith had stabilized the patient that was still trapped under the debris, she crawled back. But she got lucky, the walls didn't give in although they could have given in. "I'm alright." Meredith said, taking a few deep breaths. She appeared nearly unharmed which was a relief for the Grey Sloan docs. "Thank god." April sighed. "Second that." Maggie hugged her sister for a second. "I was scared." "I did what I always do, killing myself while trying to save people." Meredith replied, knowing herself it wasn't funny. It reminded her of Derek.

When they were on their way back to the hospital since April ordered them to leave after helping stabilize the other patient who would be brought to the hospital when they have managed to free him.

"Maybe we shouldn't have left." Amelia said. "There was a mass casualty. They needed us back here at the hospital." Meredith explained. "I know but maybe there was still something we could have done." "We did everything we could do. Why are you second guessing?" Meredith wanted to know, confusion was in her voice. "I was just saying that maybe …"

But Meredith cut her off: "I was willing to try an ex lap." Amelia rolled her eyes, this wasn't about this. "Oh my god, would you just shut up about this stupid ex lap? That is not the point." Amelia vented.

"No the point is that maybe … maybe we should have stayed. Maybe we didn't try everything possibly could to save him."

"We were all there. We all saw that car and the difference between knowing when you realistically save someone and when it's time to walk away." Amelia suddenly stopped walking and turned around to face Meredith.

"And when is that, Meredith? When is that point?" Amelia asked her, her voice raised.

"When do you look at a horrible, sad situation and decide that you are ready to turn your back on? I'm curious." She unleashed some pent up feelings on Meredith. She wonders how she knows when it's time to give up all hope on a situation. Her outburst is really about how Meredith didn't call her when Derek was dying. She walked back, while saying: "I'm curious how you make these decisions. You, specifically you." She glanced at Meredith and gritted out: "When are you okay making that call that someone no longer has any chance? How …"

Meredith looked at her in shock after her outburst. She hadn't expected that. Meredith entered the supply room.

* * *

This was her first day back and it was quiet. But here's the thing: a quiet OR board never means anything good. It means catastrophe. Disasters, it was the freaking recipe for disasters to happen. But she can't think about that. She grabbed the things she needed and was just about to leave when she heard the door close.

Meredith looked up.

Instantly, she was recognizing Amelia standing there with a serious face expression, waiting for something.

"You don't talk to me about a lot of things." Amelia confronted Meredith about her decision to pull the plug without telling her about Derek's accident. Now that she finally reached acceptance she wanted to know why Meredith decided to withdraw care without informing her first. She was Derek's sister after all. And maybe she could have saved him if Meredith would have let her try.

Maybe the tests were wrong, false.

"And you're mad at me for going away and that's …" Meredith started to explain but Amelia shook her head, cutting her off harshly: "That's not …" She scoffed and looked away for a moment. "Amelia, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't exist." Meredith tried to tell her while Amelia just stared at her, obviously upset. "You know I looked around in that house and my kids … our kids … I couldn't breathe." Meredith remembered the time after Derek's death all too well.

She ran. She did run. Like her mother when Richard left her. She needed that time to put the pieces back together and she couldn't do that here in Seattle where everyone would look at her with pity and on … They would knew it was Derek's child and she didn't want everyone asking her how she was doing. She just needed time to herself, to focus on her baby (the baby Derek never knew about) and her kids. That was her way of dealing with the loss she needed to overcome when she wanted to keep going, trying to move on … "You didn't call me." She accused Meredith.

"I didn't call anyone." Meredith defended herself and her actions.

"I needed time." But soon she saw that this wasn't about her leaving Seattle without telling anyone. This about her terminating all life-sustaining measures without calling Amelia to tell her what was happening to her brother. "I am a neurosurgeon and you didn't call me." Amelia's voice grew louder. But she stayed calm. Meredith inhaled sharply.

"I could have saved him." She told Meredith, she was talking about Derek.

About that Meredith made the decision to pull the plug on her own. "And you didn't call me." She repeated. She needed to know why. Why did she do it, how did she do it. "I'm …" Meredith looked to the ground. Derek's death had an impact on all of them.

"Amelia." Meredith said her name, remorse was covering her face. "Who contacted you first? The police, the paramedics?" Amelia looked at her calmly but she was hurting because she never got all the details, she never got to say goodbye. Meredith looked away, Amelia asking these questions brought memories back. Memories that were hard, everything came back up. It didn't matter that it happened a year ago. Time isn't a factor here.

"How far away was the hospital? How long were you sitting there, waiting for them to declare him braindead?" Amelia wanted to know, on the outside she was calm but in the inside, she was upset about how it went down. Meredith was breathing in deeply, trying to compose herself, bracing herself for what was going to come. "How many hours later was it before I was even informed? How many chances did you have, you could have called me. Why didn't you call me?" Her voice shook.

"Why didn't you call me?" She addressed Meredith.

"There wasn't anything you could have done." Meredith said resigned. Their relationship is going to be tested. She knew that in that very moment. "You don't know." She got as an answer. "Yes, I do." "What if I could have helped him? What if I had a chance? I pull off miracles for a living. I have proven that I can reverse the impossible. I should have been there." Amelia told her, her voice breaking a bit. She waited for the words to sink in. "If I had seen him or treated him …" "It was too late. By the time they … He was far too gone." She quietly replied, having images from Derek being connected to a vent in her mind, him taking a final breath before dying.

Torturing him with more tests wouldn't have done any difference.

Brain death is final, irreversible. But she couldn't tell that Amelia. She knew that, but right now this wasn't just medicine, it was Derek. It wasn't just science. This was her dealing with a question she was allowed to ask.

But what if Meredith had no answer?

"How did you do it?" Amelia cornered Meredith when she searched for supplies. Now she can't escape. "I didn't get to tell him goodbye because of you." Amelia held herself together. She was trying not to cry. She need never got the chance to say goodbye. Their conversation had been interrupted in mid-sentence. They were talking about freaking shortcuts.

If she'd knew that this would be the last time she'd be able to talk to him … she would have told him what was important, she'd never talked about shortcuts, whether there are no shortcuts or whatever …

"How could you unplug him without letting me know? I didn't get to see him. I didn't get to tell him goodbye. I thought you would have at least given me the courtesy and respect when my own brother was dying. I didn't get to tell him goodbye because of you."

* * *

 _When you're scared, you fight. You face your fears and fight. You fight to win. Your fight is much stronger than any karmic payback._

* * *

"It's all coming down to this?" Meredith asked faintly, after one freaking year she was talking about her making a decision she was allowed to make on her own? She should have called Amelia. But Derek, she knew he didn't want to live that way. Amelia wouldn't have been able to see that.

"Yeah, it is." Amelia replied. This has Meredith momentarily breaking down in tears once Amelia storms off.

Then she left, leaving a destroyed Meredith in her wake. She was still trying to get over it. She paced back and forth in the supply closet. Amelia's outburst made her remember what happened. "Dammit." She cried out, thinking of Derek and what she lost. She threw the supplies on the ground and kicked against them. She quickly gathered herself together before going back to work, picking up the supplies she'd tossed to the ground and wiped away her tears.

/

"She hates me now."

"She is not seeing it clearly." Alex tried to help her. Meredith shook her head.

"She's right. She has every right to be mad at me. I made the decision to pull the plug without calling her. I'm the bad guy here … She's every freaking right to be mad." Meredith insisted. "I couldn't bring myself over to call her … telling her Derek is braindead. You know how that sounds? Derek died due to the kind of head injury he treated so many times successfully. Because they didn't do the CT and the neurosurgeon was supposed to be there after twenty minutes but he wasn't, he needed 1,5 hours to get there because he had a dinner, he ended up braindead. The response time was supposed to be twenty minutes … He died … that was the reason, Alex. That's the reason." Meredith's voice shook.

Amelia cornering her set emotions free she can't control.

This was bringing memories back she'd rather forget. Seeing Derek lifeless, lying there connected to the vent and the monitors. It wasn't him, it was his body. Alex just listened to her telling him this. It was the first time he heard all of this. Meredith never really opened up after Derek died. She never told them the details, just that he was braindead and she made the decision to withdraw care. Meredith didn't know that Amelia has heard her and Alex talk about Derek. She felt anger coming up when she heard about the head scan they've failed to do.

Why didn't they do it?

"He died because they didn't do …" Amelia had heard the last sentence. Her eyes went wide. No one ever told her this.

"Wait, response time was one hours and thirty minutes? Are they crazy, why was he late? Doesn't he know that 911 pages are highly urgent? Where did he get his medical degree, Mexico?" She exclaimed. She'd been right. Derek could have been saved.

She'd been freaking right.

"When did you get there? I want to know maybe I could have changed things." Amelia now had tears in her eyes. Due to the lack of proper trauma training and competence and failure to respond to 911 pages her brother died. Meredith's husband died, leaving her with the children. "Apparently, there was a dinner." Meredith responded bitterly as she recalled the conversation with the chief of the hospital.

"This is why, Amelia. They waited too long before treating his head injury. He had a head lac and they didn't think about doing a head scan. That's how they missed the bleed. He'd been bleeding into his brain hours before they understood what was happening. When I was informed it was too late. He'd been out of surgery by then. He was just lying there, connected to the vent and all. His heart was beating but he was gone. He …" Meredith's voice broke.

"He was gone. The Derek we know and love was gone. And I'll never get that out of my head, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget what it was like, seeing him like this."

"But you never called. I never got to say goodbye, Meredith. He was my brother and I didn't get to tell him goodbye."

Amelia just wanted to know why. "I couldn't, Amelia, I couldn't do it. Whenever I think of him now it's most likely him lying in that ICU bed. You don't have that picture constantly playing in your mind. You have all these memories, good memories with Derek. Remember them, share them with Zozo, Bailey and Ellis. He's in them, their DNA is partly his. Maybe Bailey will grow up, having Derek's hair." Amelia let out a small chuckle.

"And he'll remind us of him more than he already does." After a pause, Amelia said: "What I can't believe is that this has happened before. I mean, what are the odds? Our father died when he was ten, I was way younger and I can't really remember. Derek was the one who acted as my father. He was my rock and now he is gone. He's saved me, dammit. I should have been able to …" Now she was crying, broke off mid-sentence.

… To return that, she silently completed.

Alex slowly disappeared to check on his patients, this was a thing between Meredith and Amelia. "… save him." Meredith completed, her mind wandering back to the ferryboat crash. Derek had saved her. Without him, she wouldn't have survived. No one would have come looking for her, or too late. Derek was the one, and she couldn't save him. Maybe if they brought him to Grey Sloan Memorial, then he would have had a chance. Amelia looked up after Meredith completed her sentence. She frowned, how could she know?

"Yeah, I know that feeling." Meredith added, staring into nowhere.

Amelia just shook her head, how can Meredith know?

"I was … there was a ferryboat crash. I got knocked into the water. I was dead for like three hours. Derek saved me, he got me out of that water. He was my knight in shining whatever. That's what he always said." Amelia realized that Derek has seen both of them dead. That they have more in common than anticipated.

"Wow. We have more parallels than I thought." Amelia noted.

"Derek told me." Meredith suddenly said. "He told you about what?" Amelia asked. "What happened to your father, he told me. He said you both watched … How could I possibly call you and tell you that he's …" Meredith shook her head. "I won't ever forget the sound of the damned flatline."

"He was my brother, Meredith. I didn't know that there's been an accident. I would have dropped everything and come. We could have decided together. You don't know how hard it is …"

"… to cope with the death of the love of my life? That I never had to claw my way back from that? That I have never cried over the body of the person I love most? That I don't know how that messes a person up? Well, now I know and I wish every day I wouldn't know that feeling, that feeling that accompanies you every day and makes your life hell even after a freaking year passed." Amelia flinched when Meredith said these words. She was wrong. Meredith now knew what it was li

Meredith still remembered the words Amelia told her when she butted in in her relationship with Owen Hunt. "And you know the worst part of this is that it hasn't been the first time." Meredith shook her head. "I thought he died on that OR table. I didn't know that they just disconnected the leads. But for me, it was real and it was what caused me to miscarry. Derek dying on that operating table is something I'll never forget even if he survived that."

"You haven't called me because I told you this?" Amelia asked shocked.

Meredith just shook her head. "No, I never thought of these words when I got there. This wasn't one second about this. I just couldn't call you. Now I know it was the wrong decision. A decision I can't take back and I'm truly sorry that I stole that chance from you …" Meredith wiped away the tears forming in her eyes before continuing.

"It was wrong and selfish and I didn't think. I …" Meredith had no idea what to do. Maybe this is how it all ends. Maybe she'll never be able to live that one down. Maybe Amelia will hold a grudge against her forever. Maybe, maybe not. "And you're right, I should have called you."

"But you don't know how it feels. I never got the chance to tell him what he meant. Our conversation we had this day, it has been cut off mid-sentence. We were talking about shortcuts. My point is you don't know what it's like to lose your brother who practically raised you." Amelia said.

"I was an only child or at least I thought I was. I grew up alone, my mother basically lived at the hospital. My father, he left when I was five. The only memory I have is him pouring me cereal every morning - that's it. I never knew about Lexie and Molly nor did I know about Maggie. You know Lexie, you've worked with her once. She was my sister, the only sister I really accepted as my sister. And then there was the plane crash. Our plane crashed and it killed Lexie. The plane crash killed my little sister before I could tell her that I loved her and that she was the best sister I could imagine. She died and I wasn't there when she did."

"Where were you?" Amelia asked. "What is more important than family?"

Meredith just looked at her. "I was looking for Derek. Derek is family too. For a long time, he and Cristina were all I had. Then Lex came into the picture. First I wasn't pleased. My father chose her over me, that's why I rejected her and treated her like crap. I regret it. I spend all those months … But I didn't get to tell her goodbye. I wasn't there when it mattered. I wasn't there and it's going to haunt me my whole life." Silence filled the room. "I'm sorry about your sister. She was surprised about the names I called Derek when I was here to do the surgery, we did it together. It was fun working with her." Amelia sat down next to Meredith who still avoided looking at her.

"I guess I should take that back, that what I said about you not knowing what it's like to cry over the person you love most." She suddenly said, feeling shame creeping up in her when she remembered the words she had said to Meredith, not knowing what will happen in the near future.

"It's okay." Meredith replied. "It isn't and sadly, it's wrong. You know what it's like. I wish you wouldn't know."

"That would have been better for all of us, for Bailey, Zola and Ellis and me and you. I want him back." Meredith suddenly started to tear up, letting her emotions out and feeling the pain she'd suppressed for many months. She'd been living in denial. "I want him back. Oh, screw you, universe. This was supposed to be our new start. I wanted a lifetime, dammit." Meredith suddenly got up and kicked against something that appears to be in her way.

Amelia watched Meredith. "He wanted another baby with me. We talked about it before everything went down. We … he wanted another baby." Meredith suddenly said. Amelia just listened. This was them having a heart-to-heart conversation about a man who played an important part in both of their lives. Meredith continued, her voice breaking: "And now he won't get to be here. This is seriously fucked up. But I should have known with my track record. I shouldn't have … I shouldn't have let him leave for D.C. If I had known what was going to happen, I would have come with him in the first place."

"He working in D.C. wasn't a good thing." Amelia said. Meredith nodded. She was right with that.

D.C. just brought them pain, made them split up and live on different coasts in different cities. And it was what killed Derek. He had a damned meeting in D.C., yes, it was to resign but it was what killed him-

* * *

Meredith came up to Alex as he looked through a patient chart, he looked up for a second, facing her. "Alex." Meredith suddenly said his name as she appeared next to him. He was checking some patient chart as he leaned against the nurses' station. "I need to ask you for a favor. I didn't ask before because I knew that you'd say yes." Meredith started.

Without looking up, he replied: "Then don't ask."

Meredith ignored this comment.

"I want away. I pressed pause in my life and I really needed that. But since I've been back I can't unpause. I just can't. I just can't get things going again. I go home every night to my house and it's … it's not my house. It was mine and Derek's house and now he's gone and it really just feels like a house. I came back but I'm not at home. And I really want to be home." Meredith glanced at him, Alex had listened to her without interrupting her.

"I think about selling the house." Meredith continued, while leaning against the counter. "I ran and I thought that when … But I don't feel like I'm back yet. The house feels not like home. I am back but I'm not at home. It was mine and Derek's home. Now it's just a house. I don't feel at home there and I really want to feel home, you know." Alex looked up and waited for her to ask a question. "Can the kids and I move in with you? It's just until I have it all sorted out."

"Can the kids and I come and stay with you for a while?" She asked, hoping he'd help her out. "Yeah, no big deal." He promptly replied. "Well, you better check with Wilson, you know how she gets." Meredith answered, relieved that Alex said that they could stay at his place for a little while.

"Trust me, I need to check in with Wilson." He replied.

"I think about selling the house. I ran and I thought that when … But I don't feel like I'm back yet. The house feels not like home. I am back but I'm not at home. It was mine and Derek's home. Now it's just a house. I don't feel at home there and I really want to feel home, you know." Alex looked up and waited for her to ask a question. "Can the kids and I move in with you? It's just until I have it all sorted out."

"I already told you it's okay."

/

"I miss him, Alex." Meredith got out, her throat felt dry. She had never really broken down. She just functioned. "I really freaking miss him." She felt tears running down her cheek but she didn't care. "I miss him. I wanted a forever with him, but I never got it nor will I." Her voice is shaking. "But maybe he'll wait for me, in heaven, you know." Meredith said, inhaling deeply.

Alex frowned. What was she talking about?

"Heaven?" He asked. "When I drowned I had this experience. I met Denny, and some other former patients. My mother was also there after her heart stopped. So maybe there is a place where he waits for me so that we can get our forever." Alex just nodded. He had no idea what Meredith was talking about but that was okay. He can show her support in other ways.

Then her pager beeped, interrupting their conversation. It was the ER.

* * *

"ER?" Meredith asked as Maggie looked on her phone. "Yep." She answered.

"I thought we'd seen the last today." Meredith said.

"You're okay, I'm fine." Maggie replied. As they walked through the hallways, Amelia followed them. When the three of them stepped outside they stopped shocked, seeing a flatbed truck pull up outside the hospital. It's carrying the car that has Keith pinned inside.

April Kepner was standing next to the car, looking down on them and their shocked faces. "I stopped them from trying to extract him. I couldn't watch him bleed out." April stood there. "You were right." She addressed Meredith who stared at the truck. "You said if we were closer to the hospital he might have a chance. So let's give him a chance." She said, breathing heavily.

Maggie, Meredith and Amelia stood just there for a moment, looking at her determined face expression before finally reacting.

* * *

 **There are still things they have to figure out, things they have to talk about - but this was a start. A new start. A fresh start for all of them. But sometimes it's hard to start fresh. There are things you can't hide or run from - memories.**

 **They will stay, maybe for a lifetime, they remember you of what you never got to do. Of what could have been if one thing hasn't had happened or played out way different. But you can't ever go back.**


End file.
